Image citation: Albert Bierstadt, “Mount Rainier,” 1870, WikiArt, Public Domain
At our recent DXC dinner in Seattle, we explored an often-overlooked quality in leadership—gentleness.
Unlike our typical business-focused conversations, this gathering set aside metrics and strategic plans to dive into our human side. We shared personal reflections, delving into the personal costs of leadership and the power of gentle, intentional choices. This dinner wasn’t just a break from routine; it was a reminder that gentleness brings resilience, creativity, and balance to our lives.
As executives, we’re taught to value decisiveness and drive. Yet, gentleness is essential to sustaining ourselves and others over the long term. It’s not about weakness; it’s about balance—an inner confidence that lets us connect deeply and lead effectively. Here are the reflections I took away from that evening and practices that leaders can consider adopting to bring gentleness into their own lives.
Emptiness vs. Fullness: Knowing When to Create Space and When to Prioritize
One powerful concept that came up during our conversation was emptiness versus fullness. In leadership, there are times to prioritize emptiness—a clear space that allows room for creativity, spontaneity, and fresh ideas. Emptiness can be a powerful tool, enabling us to stay open and adaptable, inviting newness into our thinking. Without it, we risk becoming reactive, driven only by what’s immediately in front of us.
But there are also times when fullness is necessary to maintain focus and manage responsibilities. Fullness calls for learning to say no, prioritizing what matters, and sequencing tasks to avoid overload. By recognizing when to make room for emptiness and when to lean into fullness, we can create a balance that’s flexible but grounded, avoiding the burnout that comes from trying to do it all. This approach ensures that we stay focused on our most meaningful commitments and are more present when it matters.
The True Costs of Leadership and the Need for Gentleness
During our dinner, the conversations also revealed the often-hidden personal costs of leadership, especially among those balancing work with family life. Several members spoke openly about the challenges of juggling executive responsibilities with parenting. One parent shared the strain of returning to work just six weeks after childbirth, while another spoke about the relief and joy of finally prioritizing time with their child after years of missed moments. These stories highlighted the intense trade-offs leaders make in global roles, where time zones, travel, and high-stakes responsibilities leave little room for self-compassion.
One member shared how work had gradually become their sole identity over the years, a reality that crept up slowly and took hold. “Work became my sole identity; it was all I knew,” they admitted. It was an obsessive drive that spanned decades, a commitment so consuming that it crowded out other parts of their life. To find balance again, they had to start unwinding that fixation, learning to tell themselves, “I am more than my work.”
In this, there was a shared camaraderie among us—a recognition of how many sacrifices we had collectively made in the name of leadership and ambition. Other members reflected on how the demands of leadership had seeped into every aspect of their lives, leading to moments of burnout. One executive confessed that “work mode” had become a default state, a mindset that lingered even in personal moments. In the relentless pursuit of success, gentleness had gradually slipped away.
This reflection resonated deeply with me as a leader too, feeling the impact of my role on my personal life and well-being. Hearing these stories underscored that gentleness isn’t just a luxury; it’s essential for sustaining ourselves and being truly present for the people who matter to us.
Simple Actions, Big Impacts: Practical Steps to Embrace Gentleness in Leadership
For leaders who want to integrate gentleness into their lives, it’s often the small, consistent actions that create space for calm, resilience, and clarity. Here are a few practices that leaders can consider adopting:
- Micro-Moments of Stillness: Even brief pauses throughout the day can make a difference—a few quiet moments before meetings, a pause before responding to a high-stakes email. These small moments of stillness ground you, bringing calm and clarity to each new task. Over time, they become an invaluable anchor.
- Schedule Time for Personal Priorities: Be deliberate about creating space for activities beyond work. Put personal time on your calendar—whether for hobbies, family, or rest—and commit to it as you would a meeting. Treat these moments as non-negotiable, recognizing that they are essential for your well-being and balance.
- The “Must-Do for Me” List: Alongside the usual to-do list, try adding a small daily act purely for your own enjoyment or peace of mind—whether it’s reading a few pages of a novel, taking a walk, or listening to music. This simple self-care routine reminds you that your well-being matters just as much as productivity.
- Tiny Gestures of Connection: In a busy leadership role, it’s easy to lose sight of personal connections. Reintroduce gentleness with small gestures—a thank-you note, a quick message to a friend, or a coffee catch-up with a team member. These actions keep you connected to others and add warmth to your day.
- End-of-Day Reflection: At the close of each day, take a few minutes to reflect on what felt meaningful and where you showed kindness toward yourself or others. This ritual reinforces the habit of gentleness and reminds you of its positive impact.
- Gentle Self-Language: Leadership often makes us our own toughest critics. Shifting your inner dialogue to be kinder, speaking to yourself as you would to a respected friend, can help you approach challenges with a sense of balance and resilience.
Reconnecting with Playfulness Through Hobbies
Another essential part of embracing gentleness is finding space for hobbies that tap into our more playful sides. Several members shared how they’ve taken up new activities like learning mahjong, exploring hip hop dance, playing tennis, surfing, cooking, or gardening. These hobbies aren’t just leisure activities; they’re ways to disconnect from the constant intensity of leadership and reconnect with curiosity and joy. Making time for these pursuits reminds us that we’re more than our roles and that gentleness and playfulness are invaluable parts of a well-rounded life.
Focusing on Your Zone of Genius
One of our members offered a powerful strategy for maintaining balance without sacrificing family or personal well-being. They emphasized the importance of focusing on one’s zone of genius—those few areas where we excel and find the most fulfillment. By concentrating on these strengths and delegating tasks outside of it, you free yourself from being bogged down by duties that don’t play to your core skills or values. This may involve getting support for domestic tasks or administrative duties, allowing leaders to focus their time and energy where it truly counts, such as spending time with their family. This approach ensures that we’re never too “full” to neglect family or personal priorities.
A Balanced Path Forward
Our evening together in Seattle reinforced that gentleness isn’t a retreat from strength; it’s a powerful tool for sustaining it. By cultivating a balance between emptiness and fullness, focusing on personal well-being, and reconnecting with our playful sides, we become not only better leaders but more resilient human beings. This dinner reminded me that leadership doesn’t require us to sacrifice our humanity—instead, it thrives when we embrace it.
By choosing gentleness, we create a path that honors both our professional and personal lives. It’s through this balance that we find the resilience to lead not only with strength but with heart. In the end, it’s gentleness with ourselves that enables us to be better leaders for others and to live lives that are both impactful and fulfilling.
A sincere thank you to our founding members in Seattle for this conversation and for showing us the importance of gentleness in our leadership.
